Pregnancy…

I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with Amelia. It came as a complete shock and was very unplanned. My eldest Penelope was only 10 months old and I couldn’t imagine having ‘2under2’.

Penelope and I had been at a wildlife park with two of my dearest friends who have children the same age. We had met over a year ago at an NCT group and had babies all within days of each other. I was telling them how I was feeling and they told me to go and take a test as its sounded like I was pregnant. I took the test at my parents house as we went there after, and yep…there it was the positive sign. I couldn’t quite believe it. I remember shouting OMG and my sister saying ‘I’m guessing that’s a yes?’

I called Paul and he couldn’t believe it, he was over the moon. I was still in shock and was for a few weeks. I felt like a fraud because I was saying I was excited but in reality i wasn’t. I didn’t want another baby so soon, it wasn’t in my ‘plan’.

I felt this guilt for weeks and felt like a bad mum. I felt guilty that Penelope would have to share me so soon. I wanted more time, just the two of us for a bit longer. I was convinced I was having a boy. I think that was because I wanted that ‘perfect family life’.

We had our 12 week scan not long after I took the test. I was already 8 weeks and had no idea. Everything was fine and Penelope was there with her in the night garden toys. We were happy being told that the baby was healthy and we just got on with our every day lives. Being my second pregnancy I was far more relaxed than before.

At our 20 week scan it all changed. Sometimes I think back to those people we were before this scan. Naive and excited, that’s how I would describe us.

We knew something was wrong when the trainee sonographer asked for her superior to have a look. The mood changed and it became tense. Before I knew it we were being told to go up to fetal medicine. At this point I had been told my baby had clubfoot (talipes) where the feet grow inwards. We had also been told we were having a girl but the shock of the feet outweighed the news.

I remember asking to go to the toilet before we were rushed upstairs. I had been in this loo a few times but this time it was different. I was hiding as I wanted to cry without my husband seeing. I was scared, worried and petrified. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I felt like my body had failed me.

We were sat in a room waiting for the midwife to come in. I didn’t want Paul to hold me or touch me. I felt numb and I knew he was scared too. It’s strange how you can remember a room and a feeling so bad but forget so many happy memories in your life.

We were told that the talipes could be something else or isolated. It could be a disorder or it might not be and we would need to come in for another scan in two weeks. That wasn’t possible as we were going away then. We decided to book an appointment at Harley street and had another scan there as soon as we could. Luckily we were able to go the next day. The doctor could see the talipes but said everything else looked normal. A few days later we had another scan at Addenbrookes, our NHS hospital, which then resulted in an Amniocentesis. An amino is where they extract fluid from the amniotic sac using a very fine needle.

This test again came back negative. We also had an MRI scan which showed that there were some non-asymmetric ventricles but again nothing to worry about. Looking back now and writing this we should have been told differently. As you can imagine this pregnancy was horrific for us. I could never relax, we were at the hospital every 3 weeks for growth scans. I just wanted her here and the pregnancy to be over.

I remember the day before Amelia was born so vividly. My dad drove me to the hospital the night before to have my pre-op. I was so ready to have my baby. I was relaxed and easy going about the birth as I had done it all before but i was scared about her feet. We went to the hospital the next day ready to have her. Paul was amazing as always and my mum had stayed with us the night before to look after Penelope. Everything was set and ready for us to come home in a day or two.

I entered that hospital as someone I cannot recognize now. My life and our life as a family, was about to change completely in the next 3 hours. It was a journey I never expected or thought would ever happen. Little did I know we would enter a very special club that we would be members of for the rest of our lives.