Birth…
Amelia was born on the 29th November at 9.21am and weighed 7 pounds 13 oz. She was born in the same room where her sister had been born a year and a half ago. The next time I would see her was at 6pm that evening.
To say this was the worst moment of my life was wrong as that came later. This was one of the most heart-breaking moments I have had to re live over and over again. The happiness of having another child was completely overshadowed with what happened next.
Pre c section I was fine. I had been there before and done it all before. I found out I was first to have the operation that day (which if you have had a c- section before you know you have hit the jackpot) With Penelope I was the last of the day so I was starving, as you can eat anything.
I had all the pre op sorted. My MCA was lovely and I felt very safe with her. My midwife knew I was scared about the feet. She would take her first to have the vitamin k and then to be weighed etc. Then she would hand her to me for that amazing newborn cuddle and that feeling of pure elation.
The anesthesiologist was a lovely man. I had told him my previous experience with an epidural and safe to say I hardly felt it this time. He was very calming and looked after me, I felt safe and ready for this operation as i had wonderful nurses and midwives looking after me. It was uncomfortable but not in pain and before I knew it she was out.
Amelia was finding it hard to breathe on her own. She was out but I couldn’t hear her cry. I kept asking, ‘why isn’t she crying and is she ok?’ They kept saying she’s beautiful but she just needs a bit more help. Those next few minutes were pretty horrific. Paul was there with her trying to see what was going on. I was lying there stuck, cut in to, completely unable to move with everyone rushing around me. The next thing I knew there were neonatal nurses and doctors and she was being transferred to an incubator. Then I was being told that she had a cleft palate. What even is a cleft palate? Is it the lip? Is she ok? How has this happened? We had so many scans and tests throughout the pregnancy, how was this not picked up?
Then something happened that I would never ever forget. Having not yet seen or held my baby a young doctor came up to me and said ‘your daughter has a cleft palate and because of the talipes we will have to do some genetic testing’
I felt like screaming but I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand what was happening to my baby who I hadn’t even seen or held yet. Who was this doctor telling me this? I can never forgive that doctor for telling me something like that whilst I was so fragile and literally being sewn up. I started to feel really faint and hot and I couldn’t quite focus. One of the midwives noticed this and asked the doctor to step away, she came over and put a cold towel over my head and comforted me. I will never forget her kindness. I remember the anesthesiologist said that we needed to make sure that I take all of the drugs and painkillers they recommend as I was going to need all of my strength to go to the NICU and see my baby. I never really understood what he meant until a few days later.
They were about to wheel Amelia out of the operating theatre and to NICU until someone (and I’m not sure who) said ‘wait she hasn’t met her mummy’. Finally I could hold her. She was covered in wires and a CPAP mask to help her breathe, her little lips were squashed up in the mask. I held her but she didn’t feel like mine I remember thinking ok take her now as I was so scared of everything that was going on I just wanted my baby all safe and healthy with me like her sister was.
They took her to NICU and Paul followed. I wanted him to go with Amelia, as I didn’t want her to be alone.
I was wheeled into recovery, which was also the same compartment where I had been with Penelope. I was alone, unable to move, and all I could hear was the sounds of other women with their babies cooing and crying. I had never felt pain like it I burst in to tears and just sat there, no baby, no husband, just broken.
How could I have just had a baby and be here all alone. I missed Penelope. I wanted to make sure she was ok. I had loads of messages with well wishes but I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t read them. I couldn’t even answer the message from my mum. I just stared blankly into the screen and thought the worst. What if she is disabled? How can I look after a disabled child? All of these really selfish thoughts were going through my mind. Paul came back and he looked so scared. He had called my parents and they were on their way. You are not supposed to have visitors in recovery but I needed them.
I couldn’t understand what had happened. Why was the palate not detected on all the scans and MRI? I could see in Paul’s face that as soon as they had said genetic testing his heart sank and he thought the worst. He kept taking pictures and videos of Amelia for me and was darting back and forth between the two of us.
My parents got there and those next few hours were horrible. I later found out that Paul had completely collapsed in my dad’s arms. He had known there was something wrong from the minute she was born, he held that in for weeks until I was ready to face it. That man is my rock.
No one knew what to say, just the four of us sat round my bed in complete shock. The cleft team came in to meet us and were talking about the treatment. I couldn’t take any of it in. All I kept thinking was that they had seen my baby for longer than I had and when would it be my turn to hold her.
I finally got to hold my little angel at around 6pm. This was my first experience of the NICU and I felt like the odd one out. Paul already knew the way and where to go and I was just being wheeled around with a catheter attached. I felt like a fraud. I didn’t understand the lingo or what was going on, or why she was even in this room? Then I saw her there, covered in wires and all red and chubby just like her sister. She looked so peaceful. I couldn’t quite get past seeing the wires. I felt like I couldn’t hold her, as she didn’t even feel like mine. I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
I hated having to leave her to go back to my room. We were given our own side room on the ward. I had so many happy memories of having Penelope on that ward but this time it was so different. Paul and I were left in a room without our baby. We were two hurt, lost parents trying to find out what happened to our baby girl. It felt weird to be able to sleep. I shouldn’t be sleeping, I should be awake trying to breastfeed and staring at my baby girl. Instead I was lying there broken whilst Paul was back and forth between the both of us trying to make sense of it all.
Having my baby in the NICU for those first few days, away from me and not able to be lying on my chest is one of the things that still haunts me now. I feel I was robbed of those precious new baby and mummy moments that I will never be able to have with her. Instead we had wires, gravity feeds and monitors.