First Chest Infection…

Amelia had been home for a few days when we noticed Penelope was showing signs of a cold. It was super stressful, and so my amazing mother offered to take Penelope for a few days. This was horrid, as I felt I wasn’t doing enough for Penelope, I felt like an absent mother, but I had to make sure Amelia wouldn’t catch it.

Lo and behold, a week later Amelia started coughing and showing signs of being in distress. From the minute we were told about Amelia’s condition we knew to look out for any signs of a cold, as it can be extremely dangerous for her. Being born in the winter didn’t help as colds were everywhere. I remember panicking and calling up children’s A&E. Luckily we have a paediatric pass for Amelia, so she gets seen straight away. Paul got ready to take her, I didn’t know what to expect. I still couldn’t drive after the c- section and also needed to stay at home for Penelope. I put a bag together with some nappies, a change of clothes and a feed, but I had no clue what I was doing, (now I’m a pro at hospital bags). I remember being almost relieved that I didn’t have to go. I couldn’t face another hospital and I wanted to sleep. I hadn’t slept since Amelia came home. I was so scared of her not breathing or choking on her feeds, that I scared myself out of sleeping. She was fed every 3 hours so I couldn’t really sleep even if I wanted too.

Paul left and I thought he would be home in a few hours. He was there all night and stayed with Amelia once she was admitted onto the ward.

I remember him telling me that he was so worried in the car that she would die, he said he had to keep checking her over and over again. I felt awful that he was alone we had always been there together. When he got there, Paul had to go over everything about Amelia’s condition. He said it was like being back at square one again, constantly having to go over all of her symptoms and listen to the medical lingo again. ‘Oh she’s very floppy isn’t she’ is a line that we have heard over and over.

I hated the fact that Amelia was back in hospital without me being there. I couldn’t picture where she was or who was looking after her. I felt awful, but I wanted to be home and try and regain some normality again, (I wasn’t used to this idea of the ‘new normal’ just yet).

The next day we were supposed to be registering Amelia’s birth. My mum took me and Penelope and I couldn’t help but think ‘would I be back here soon to register her death?’. They were dark times, very cloudy and dark.

Paul came home and was a mess, I remember us being upstairs thinking, is this our life now? Are we going to be in and out of hospital forever? I think it was in that moment that we both started to understand that there was more to Amelia’s condition than we had realised.

I felt like I always knew there was something wrong, even when I was pregnant. It’s a mothers gut feeling and no matter how many times you are told ‘there is nothing wrong’ you still believe that there is.

We both went straight to the hospital that evening and it was tough. My baby, the baby I hardly knew was back in a different hospital after a week of being home. She still didn’t feel like mine. If anything, it felt more normal for her to be back in hospital than at home. I felt awful for feeling this way but I was stuck. Everything that had happened in the first 8 weeks of Amelia’s life felt like a nightmare. We couldn’t believe this was our life, I will never forget when Paul asked me ‘ will we ever be happy again?’.

It felt like there was no way out, just round and round. Every time you think things are getting better, you are hit with another hospital stay.

Seeing Amelia back in a hospital, cot covered in wires and oxygen was difficult. I just cried. It felt like we were back at square 1 again. The nurse looking after Amelia could see the pain in our faces and was amazing. The staff on the children’s ward are wonderful. They are so caring and supportive to Amelia and to us.

Without this hospital stay, I don’t think we would be where we are today. I was shocked (as was everyone) that Amelia was already back in hospital, but suddenly all of the extra care started to make sense It lead to a lot of realisations and understanding.

Amelia was in hospital for a total of 2 weeks. She had fought off her first bronchiolitis and showed how strong she really was. When the time came, I was scared to take her home I was used to having her in the hospital, going there everyday and going home to sleep.

Within the next week everything started to make sense. Tt was all unravelling before my eyes. The truth…what people had been subtly trying to tell us for weeks.

I will never forget the day it all hit me, and everything came crumbling down. This needed to happen for us to be able to move forward, something that would forever change us.