Christmas…
Since Amelia’s diagnosis we knew that she wouldn’t be home for Christmas. She still wasn’t feeding properly and was back on 2 hourly feeds. In the NICU they wouldn’t let us home until she was on 3 hourly feeds and tolerating them.
To be honest I was quite glad that she would be in hospital as the Christmas I had planned in my head with our two little girls in our new house had vanished. I just wanted Christmas over, nothing about us felt Christmassy. I suppose we were lucky with Penelope being so young that she didn’t really understand what was going on. The lead up to Christmas day was a blur. We were just fed up and wanted Amelia home. We were told that they wanted her to go home via the Lister hospital NICU as the community team would be looking after her once she was home.
We hated the thought of this, as we were getting used to Addenbrookes, we knew everyone there and felt at ease. I felt such a strong connection there. Not only had both of my girls been born there, I had formed bonds with the professionals who had helped us so much along the way.
They informed us that most of Amelia’s care would still be at Addenbrookes but they wanted her to be an inpatient at Lister so they would know her. Being an inpatient at a hospital means they already have all of your details so any future appointments or admissions are much easier, (this would become very helpful as time went on)
We were just waiting for the day that Amelia could be transferred, as a lot has to be put in place for that. Every night we went home and I was prepared for her to be moved. It was so tough, looking back now I don’t really know what happened as it all just feels dark. Penelope got us through as she needed us to be her parents. We still had to be mum and dad. We couldn’t just cry in bed all day (which is what I wanted to do). Don’t get me wrong, we each had our moments where we would go upstairs and hide and cry, but then we would come back down and play and get on with it.
Penelope will never understand how much we needed her and how she did so much for us. She is our little ray of sunshine.
A few days before Christmas, we finally took Penelope to meet her baby sister. She was amazing and was so gentle and loving. Seeing them both together meant everything to us. We had waited such a long time to be able to do this. An 18 month old excitable child running around the NICU trying to kiss all the other babies is not the easiest of things to deal with. We had a lot of help from other nurses and doctors who gave her lots of attention. It was just so lovely to be there altogether as a family of four.
Christmas day arrived and we had our first Christmas morning in our new house. We had made everything as perfect as can be for Penelope. Santa had been and frozen wrapping paper covered the living room, (I had done a lot of Christmas shopping before Amelia was born.) The only thing missing was our little Amelia. We went straight up to the hospital to spend Christmas with her.
My girls had matching Christmas outfits on and everyone was as jolly as can be (on a NICU ward on Christmas day)
I will never forget that Christmas, as it was the first as a family of four and the first of our new normal. All the parents had Christmas jumpers on and were enjoying being there with other families going through the same things. Siblings were there to see their baby brother’s and sisters and everyone was in as good sprits as they could be. Penelope was loving the endless biscuits and chocolate and a few presents that Santa had left for ‘Amelia’s sister’. I couldn’t believe how much they had done for Amelia and all the other babies on the ward. They all had stockings full of presents, clothes and books. Santa had visited every baby on the NICU.
Knowing that this had all happened filled my heart, also my favourite nurse was looking after Amelia on Christmas eve so that put my mind at rest.
We found out that Amelia would be transferred to Lister on that day but we did not know when. I was sad that she was leaving Addenbrookes I really wanted her to be discharged home from there but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Amelia was moved at 11.30pm on Christmas day.
I kept calling the Lister NICU as I wanted to know she was ok, I found it so hard as I had never been there and I couldn’t place her there. I didn’t know where her cot was, which room she was in, who was looking after her? I hated it all. I didn’t sleep that night and just kept worrying about my baby all alone surrounded with new faces, faces that I didn’t know.
I kept calling in the morning. It was so different to what I was used to. Usually I would just call the room and speak to Amelia’s nurse. At Lister, I had to call the reception and then wait for the nurse to come and speak to me. I know this sounds fine, but when you have never known anything else its tough.
It was all so new when we got there. I had never been to Lister before and I was so confused. Amelia was fine and was in her own room. All of her belongings were in a big sack, so I sorted through what she needed and took her memory box and other bits home. We didn’t really understand what was going on. Nothing felt familiar and I just wanted to be back at Addenbrookes. The staff at Lister were lovely and looked after Amelia beautifully, but they didn’t know her, they didn’t see what she had gone through and what we had gone through as a family. Moving NICU was extremely tough on Paul and I. After everything we had gone through it felt like we were at the beginning again, having to explain what happened etc. I wanted to take Amelia home with us. I almost felt like running out with her in the car seat. We didn’t even know where anything was to feed her, or where her milk was. I hated it and I wanted to be out of there ASAP!